my own worst enemy (i'm a hazard to myself)
by splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Rogue's dysphoria is especially bad today and finding the right clothes brings them to the edge of a panic attack. Luckily Gray is there to help. / Written for Nonbinary Month 2018 on AO3


Rogue could feel the tears before they came – hot and heavy and stinging behind their eyes.

"Fuck," they whispered, tugging at their shirt and glaring at their reflection in the bathroom mirror. "Fuck, _goddamnit_ , not now." Rogue pressed the heels of their palms against their eyes, trying to prevent the tears. Instead their hands slid over their wet cheeks, fingers running into their hair while they growled in frustration.

Confusion and frustration pulsed through them, making their skin itch and their vision blur. Something wasn't _right_. Their body ached; everything about it felt distended or awkward or just _in the wrong place_.

This shirt was too tight. Rogue didn't want these curves; didn't love the way fabric hugged their stomach. It felt wrong. This was what someone else should look like. They pressed their hands frantically against their hips, trying to smooth out the fat. It should be flat and smooth.

The next shirt was too low-cut, too much skin showing. Not right. Not today. Rogue ran their palms over their fair skin, tracing the shape of their collarbone and furiously shaking their head. The shirt joined all the others in a pile on the bed.

It became a frantic game. Pants tried on, pants thrown on the floor. Shirts assessed, shirts thrown into the deepest recesses of the closet with Rogue's strong desire to never see them again. They were always "too" something – too baggy, too tight, too feminine, too unflattering. Rogue began to rub at their wrists as they wiped away tears.

There was a knock at the front door and Rogue's heart stuttered. The fog around them receded as they gasped, feeling like they were coming up from under water. They stared around the bedroom in dismay, then glanced over at the clock. _Shit_ , they should have been ready twenty minutes ago. The door swung open and Rogue heard the sound of shoes hitting the floor, then feet padding down the hallway.

"Rogue?" Gray's voice got closer to the bedroom and Rogue ran to the door, slamming it frantically. They dropped down, leaning their back against the wood to keep it closed. "Love, what's wrong?" Gray rapped softly on the door and Rogue shook their head, covering their mouth to hold in the sobs. The discarded clothes on the floor mocked them, whispering to them that they weren't enough, would never be enough.

"It's...I'm f-fine," Rogue stuttered, trying to keep their voice even. They took a shaky breath that caught in their throat. "S-sorry, I'll – j-just, give me a m-minute." They could do this. They could pick something and put it on and not freak out. Rogue closed their eyes and grabbed the shirt closest to them. Gray deserved better than this mess.

"You don't sound fine," Gray said, voice gentle. Rogue could hear Frosche meowing – she loved Gray and was probably curling around his ankles. "Can you let me in?"

Rogue groaned, covering their face with the discarded shirt. Fuck, why couldn't they stop crying? _Put on some fucking clothes, it's not that hard, everyone else does it._

"J-just...I'll b-be out in a m-minute," they replied shakily, bracing themself against the door and standing. They took a few deep breaths to calm down, but looking around the room at the piles of clothing set off their tears again.

"Babe, I can hear you crying, I'm coming in." The door opened a crack and Gray stood there, looking fucking effortlessly gorgeous as usual in a dark button-down and matching jeans. His eyes were soft and when he saw Rogue, crying and clutching a shirt to their chest, he exhaled. "C'mere, you."

"I'm sorry," Rogue sobbed, burying their face in Gray's neck as his arms wrapped around their waist. "N-nothing's right, I c-can't, I don't know why it's so fucking _hard_ and I'm s-sorry-"

"Shhh," Gray whispered, guiding Rogue to the edge of the bed so they were sitting next to each other, Rogue's head on his shoulder. "Don't be sorry. Can I do anything to help?" Rogue shook their head, fingers clinging tightly to Gray's shirt. Gray stroked their back, pressing a kiss to their hair.

"I h-hate the mirror." Rogue's shoulders shook as the tears flowed harder, breathing becoming ragged and sobs growing louder. They covered their mouth with the back of one hand but Gray shook his head, removing it and kissing it.

"I'm so sorry, love." He rocked them gently, twining their fingers together. "You don't have to stop crying. If you need it, I mean." Rogue burrowed closer to him, head tucked under his chin, and he continued to stroke their hair as they cried. "I'm here."

The bed dipped a little as Frosche jumped up next to Rogue, meowing and headbutting their arm. Another sob crossed their lips as they placed a hand on her head, feeling the soft texture of their fur underneath their fingers. She purred happily, pushing herself under their hand and settling onto their lap where she rumbled against their stomach.

"Can I tell you that you're beautiful?" Gray murmured, pressing a kiss to Rogue's temple and brushing the hair back from their face. Rogue shook their head, eyes trained on the ground, tears coursing down the side of their nose and dripping from their chin. "How about if I tell you that I love you very, very much?" Rogue swallowed, hiccuping around another sob.

"W-why?" They stammered, rubbing at their face with shaking hands. They felt an anguished sound escaping from their chest and they pressed a hand there, trying unsuccessfully to keep it in. "Why?"

"Because you're kind," Gray said softly, pulling Rogue closer to him and running a hand through their hair. "You're generous, and sweet, and thoughtful." Rogue could hear the soft whining sound they were making but couldn't stop it, even when they covered their mouth with both hands. "I like spending time with you," Gray continued, his own voice wavering a bit. "I like talking to you and watching movies with you and holding your hand." He kissed Rogue's forehead again. "I need you."

Rogue went limp against their boyfriend as they cried even harder, the weight in their chest exorcising itself through loud, drawn out sobs that eventually scared off Frosche. Gray tugged Rogue up farther onto the bed until they were both lying next to each other. He stroked Rogue's hair, kissing their wet cheeks as they cried.

Eventually the sobs turned to hiccups, which faded into the occasional sniffle. The world felt like it was coming back to life – the haze of sadness and self-loathing replaced by the soft comfort of the bed and the feeling of Gray's hands in their hair. Rogue pulled back from Gray and wiped at their face, cheeks pink from both exertion and embarrassment.

"Go take a bath," Gray said, pushing himself up on one elbow and giving Rogue a soft, fond look. "I'm gonna clean up in here. How about sweatpants and one of my shirts?" Rogue blinked at him, brushing a few sticky strands of hair out of their face. Sweatpants weren't appropriate for a restaurant – they were supposed to be meeting their friends for pub quiz night.

"N-no, you don't-"

"Are you feeling up to going out?" Gray gave Rogue a look that clearly communicated that he already knew the answer to that question. He reached up and began to undo the buttons on his dress shirt, tugging the bottom of the shirt out of his jeans.

"No, but-"

"Then we're not going." He pulled off the collared shirt and threw it on the bed, then removed the plain, dark t-shirt he had been wearing underneath and handed it to Rogue. "And if Natsu's got a problem with that, he can take it up with me. Where are your sweatpants? The gray ones?"

"Top drawer," Rogue mumbled. They looked at the shirt in their hands, pressing it to their face and exhaling shakily. "I'm sorry, I don't want to disappoint anyone. I feel...stupid."

"You're not stupid," Gray argued, handing the pair of baggy sweatpants to Rogue. He leaned down and kissed them, running a thumb over their cheek. "I don't like to see you sad."

Rogue exhaled, hard, feeling tears ready to fall again. Why couldn't they stop crying?

"Why are you so nice to me?" They whispered, holding the pants and Gray's shirt tightly to their chest. Gray sighed softly, pulling them to their feet and tugging them into a tight embrace.

"Because I love you, dummy," he murmured, words tempered by fondness. "You deserve to be happy." He squeezed Rogue tightly, then nudged them towards the bathroom. "Now, let me take care of you. Go have a bath."

Rogue decided not to argue. They slipped into the bathroom, letting Gray sidle in beside them to pick up the discarded items of clothing from the counter and floor. He closed the door behind him as he left, leaving Rogue to draw themself a bath and slip into the warm water.

It felt wonderful. The heat drew out the remaining tension from their shoulders and they sunk down into the water, letting their hair spread out and their head drop below the surface. Everything grew muffled and the only thing Rogue could hear was the soft sound of Gray's footsteps in their room as he put away their various garments. Rogue closed their eyes for a moment, relishing the silence. Sometimes they wondered if this was what it would be like to die – to end, to stop existing. To stop feeling.

After they drained the bath Rogue dressed in the sweatpants and shirt – which still smelled comfortingly like Gray – and pulled their hair back into a ponytail, avoiding looking at themself in the mirror. They nearly burst into tears again when they opened the bathroom to see the room neat and tidy, but they managed to hold back and they headed down the hallway and into the living room.

"Better?" Gray was sitting on the couch, wearing a stolen pair of Rogue's pajama pants and a hoodie that he'd left here months ago. Rogue nodded, not trusting themself to speak, and snuggled up next to Gray, sighing at the familiar embrace. "Food's gonna be here soon so don't get too comfortable." Rogue frowned at him. "I ordered from that Chinese place you like. I figured we could eat and watch a movie."

"I don't deserve you," Rogue mumbled, pressing their face into Gray's sweater. He huffed, running his fingers through their damp hair.

"Yes, you do." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, swiping through a few things and then passing it to Rogue. "And I'm not the only one who thinks so." They glanced down at the screen.

Gray: _We're bailing tonight, Rogue isn't feeling well. Natsu, I'll kick your ass next week._

Natsu: _In your dreams, Icicle. Rogue okay?_

Gray: _They just need some love._

Natsu: _Give them a hug from me and Luce, okay? Oh, Sting says from him too. And Erza._

Gray: _Will do._

Natsu: _Wait, now Freed and Laxus want in on this. Apparently, it's a group hug._

Natsu: _Just tell them that we all love them. Let us know if you need anything._

Gray: _Thanks, man. Don't let any trash teams beat you._

Natsu: _You know I won't. ; )_

"See?" Gray's voice was gentle as he took the phone back from Rogue, setting it on the coffee table. "Everyone loves you and you're going to be okay."

As the evening went on, the buzzing, uncomfortable sensation in Rogue's body dwindled. It never disappeared completely – even with a plate of lo mein on their lap and David Attenborough's voice gently narrating 'Planet Earth' in the background.

"Thank you," they murmured, feeling their sore, swollen eyes drift shut as they snuggled into Gray. He hummed beneath them, pressing a kiss to the top of their head. Rogue found their anxious energy tamed by the sound of Gray's heartbeat, the feeling of his fingers in their hair, the scent of his shirt.

Rogue sighed contentedly. Even though they still didn't feel quite right in their body, it was comforting to know that being with Gray always felt right.


End file.
